Twelve In Twelve

Why I Got Fat

As I’m working through my issues of insecurities, inaccuracies and failure, I am realizing a lot of the feelings I feel are because of gaining the weight in the first place. Part of the reason I am struggling with not feeling good enough is because I am embarrassed about how big I got. I am mortified that I let myself gain so much weight, and I am humiliated that I can lose a large amount (50 lbs!) and still have so much further to go.

When I was 18, I was easily impressionable – as most teenagers are. People (especially guys) had never boosted my self-esteem, and I was really unhappy about the person I was. I met a wonderful guy, named Shane, who changed my life.Shane had pretty strong religious convictions and political views – regardless, he showed me the meaning of unconditional love. He believed in me, he believed I was “worth it” – he helped show value in me, total compassion, and unmatched kindness. He was my first “true love”, and I loved and respected him to the moon and back. He really changed my life.Shane was my boyfriend for part of high school and the first year and a half of college. He was a Marine, and had been actively deployed in the military. Before his deployment, we broke up (a mutual agreement because of the distance), but maintained close contact through letters, pictures, and the occasional phone call.

During my sophomore year of college, Shane’s humvee brigade was on patrol, ran over a landmine, and he lost his life. I was absolutely and completely devastated.

I cried for days.
I ate, and ate, and ate until I was numb.
Then I cried some more, and then I ate.
For weeks, I cried and ate myself into a deep, dark hole of depression. My friends and family were as supportive as they could be – what do you say to a young 20-year old woman whose life has been shattered?

I sought professional advice – to talk about my feelings and begin medication to help regulate my emotions. I was walking in a shell of the person I had once been. All the love, all the life had been drained out of me. I didn’t even know myself. I failed a few college classes, I lost friendships, and I lost myself.

In the two years following his death, I gained 50-75 lbs. Anytime I would think about Shane or his death, I would eat. I would immediately erase any feeling or emotion I had regarding his life or death. I ate myself sick – but I didn’t care. Being sick from food was a better feeling then being sick with grief.

As I neared my senior year of college, I finally found the courage to address his death and let it go. It was the most saddening and freeing experience – undoubtedly, it was a necessary experience. I no longer think of myself as “the girl who had the boyfriend who died”, but as “the girl who had the fortune to know someone who changed her life”. I am thankful to have known him, and I am grateful for the influence he had on my life.

Acknowledging the source of why I gained the weight will ultimately help me move past the negative feelings I have in my life. It’s shameful to admit “yes, I’ve lost 50 lbs” because that means I was atleast 50 pounds bigger than I am now. I used food for years as a way to cope with a horrible tragedy. And long after Shane is gone, I am still fighting the same feelings that he helped erase when he entered my life.I have since grieved and accepted Shane’s death many years ago, and am happy to say I am married to a wonderful man who provides me with even more support, compassion, kindness, and unconditional love! My weight is a constant reminder of avoiding my feelings for a very long time, and telling my story here is another way to continue to let it go.

Whole30 – And so, it begins.

Twelve In Twelve

I’m back.

And I’m on the crazy-train.

No, just kidding. Not quite on the crazy-train, but I sure feel like it.

Either way, it was truly eye-opening.

Ash didn’t send me the recommendation thinking I’d follow the food plan. She was simply sharing a resource to help with my journey and better understand the functions of my body. But the more I read, the more I realized how much I needed to follow it. I had an epiphany-moment when I read about the cycle of a “unhealthy day” and how much it mirrors the food ups and downs of my current diet – the spikes of blood sugar, the response of cortisol (stress) levels, and the insulin/leptin imbalances.

This book has helped me understand the way food gets processed in my body – and how really, truly horrible I was treating it. Even losing weight by restricting calories and eating “low fat” or “low calorie” foods – it tricks our body into a completely unnatural (and frankly, scary!) way of processing these chemically-altered, lab-generated foods.

So, I jumped in, feet first.

I’ve gone grocery shopping, I’ve cooked healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner meals, and I bought myself a new tea canister. I read, read, and re-read the information, came up with meal plans, and decided I wanted to do it. Today, I journaled – not calories, but foods I was eating and how I felt.

And I’ve promised myself that – no matter what – I am sticking by this for 30 days. To prove that I can; To give my body the chance to re-set it’s functions, hormone levels and the natural processes it’s supposed to do. And I’m sticking with it because I deserve to healthy. I deserve to feel good, and I deserve to treat my body the way I should.

So, that’s the deal.

I’m not making my glorious “I’m back and I’ve lost __ pounds!” post, but I am coming back, to talk to you about this journey that I’m on. Sometimes the journey on the road to healthiness takes a million twists and turns – but if I end up more knowledgeable, more healthy, and more happy – then that’s all I could ask for.

I plan to give up as many updates as I can – what I’m feeling, what I’m going through, and most importantly, what I’m eating.

(curious, right?)

In the coming week, I’ll talk about my first trip to the grocery store, how many hour(s) it took me to prep the food, and my initial reaction to changing my diet and my mind-set. Here’s a quick sneak-peak….

Source

Thanks for sticking by me through this weight-loss journey. I’m really looking forward to following this program and documenting my experience(s) along the way!

Whole30 – Tales of the Grocery Store

Twelve In Twelve

Alright. So I decided I was going to follow the Whole30 program, and I read the book – It Starts with Food(see yesterday’s blog post for more details). I understood most of the chemical, hormonal, body-processing-functions, and knew I wanted to get my body back functioning how it was meant to function – without chemical, processed crap.

But actually coming up with a plan?

It was really hard to wrap my mind around the food plan – meat, veggies, some fruit, healthy fats. How in the world would I buy groceries and plan meals around this program? Thankfully, the book had a lot of “meal starter” ideas – and the “base” for each meal was meat and veggies. Meat and veggies – I can do that. Add healthy fat and seasoning to make it taste differently…. I can do that.

So, I made a list. I thought about foods I liked to eat – and foods I knew Jay would eat. I thought about how complex recipes were, and what would keep in the fridge for a few days.

I made a list.

Next, Jay and I cleaned out the fridge. We THREW AWAY EVERYTHING we weren’t going to eat in the next 30 days.

Goodbye, processed food.

I was still feeling pretty excited about the Whole30 program. That is, until I stepped foot into the grocery store. Despite having my list and my meals planned, I WAS GRIPPED WITH HORROR. Almost every single thing being sold on the shelves was processed, chemical “food”.

(I say food with ” ‘s because, let’s face it, Cheeze-Its are not “real food”.)

I felt like I was being eaten alive in that grocery store. One wrong mis-step, and I could be shoveling bags of chips and packages of cookies into my cart, running wild through the aisles. I knew I needed to pay attention and ONLY buy what I planned to buy. But it was terrifying – changing my entire food plan, my entire shopping experience, and the actual food I bought was so incredibly different.

Fish = Grocery Store. Eating me alive.

I’m so thankful that Jay and I are going through this together. Having him by my side, excited about making positive changes…. it really made a big difference. We stuck to our list, and made it home with everything we needed: produce, meat, dairy, tea, seasonings, and some “extra” fun non-food items…

Fruit & Veggies

Veggies & Fruit

Meat

Coconut Milk, Butter and Eggs

Tea

Seasoning, Oil & Vinegar, Olives

Thumb-Bowls, Egg Container, Tea Box, Plates & Bowls, New Lunch Bag

Looking back, I don’t know why I was so gripped with fear at the grocery store. Maybe it was knowing the changes ahead – not simply changing my food, but changing my habits, my emotions, and my reactions to situations. Maybe I knew this project had the potential to be SO MUCH BIGGER and SO MUCH BETTER than I imagined.

After I got home from the grocery store, I realized that instead of feeling like a barbie being eaten by a fish, I felt more like a barbie being healthy, claiming her life back instead.

hay gurrrll, hay.

Up next? I’ll talk about what specifically I made…. and what I’m eating!

Whole30 – Feeling My Feelings

Uncategorized

Truth: I don’t really want to write this post. Because it’s difficult to admit your struggles, it’s difficult to admit your challenges, and it’s hard to say “I’m still struggling”.

But yes…. I’m still struggling.

I can’t tell you exactly how or when I started relying on food for emotional support. (My hunches, are that it really accelerated in 2008 – Click Here for details.) Either way, I’ve become accustomed to using food in a variety of situations:
– In happy times
– In stressful times
– In overwhelming or anxiety-producing times
– In bored times
– In tired times – to feel that “boost” of energy
– Because sometimes I tell myself I “deserve” it

And the food that typically brings me the most relief is sweet and/or salty: ice cream, candy, chocolate, chips, popcorn, nachos, etc. You name it, I love it.

With this Whole30 plan, I don’t have the opportunity to binge on the foods I typically did; I can’t eat processed foods and I can’t rely on those same tactics or coping skills to get me through difficult times. And so, I’ve been forced to “feel my feelings” – that horrible, horrible process of actually dealing with emotions, as they come up. And the result of “feeling my feelings” came to ahead this past week, as I was frustrated, crying, yelling at Jay:

“I just want to drive to the grocery store and buy everything! I JUST WANT TO EAT ALL OF THE THINGS!!!”

And I realized that until I start to actually process and address the emotions and the feelings I have (inadequacies at work, frustrations with friendships, disappointment in self) – then I’m never going to be able to live a “healthy” life. Eating as a way to escape or “numb” those feelings SOLVES NOTHING. It solves absolutely nothing. And after the wave of blood sugar, insulin, leptin, glucose and irregularity in my system pass (from giving it incredibly processed and sugar-laden poison), the feelings are still there.

They are always there. I can’t “eat” them away. The only way to truly address my feelings is to FEEL THEM.

And so, that’s what I’ve been working on.

It hasn’t been easy. One night, I made 10 bacon-wrapped dates (OMG. So good.) and although my plan was to have a few, and save the rest, I found myself going back over and over and over again, until all of them were gone. Was it a tremendous calorie impact? No, not likely. But was it an unhealthy way of handling my emotions instead of actually feeling them? Yes. Yes, it was.

I love you, but I can’t have you anymore.

Instead, I’ve been planning healthy activities (hot yoga, meeting up with friends, etc.) and letting myself feel those feelings when then come up. If it ends in a fit of frustration or tears, or even the classic “King Tut” position. [Just lay on the ground, cross your arms, and block out the world for as long as you need.]

In case you need further proof, this was on my Good Earth Tea bag a few days ago:

Although I consider myself to be “struggling”, if I take a step back and prospectively consider where I’ve been, and where I’m going, I can see that I’m progressing closer and closer to the person I want to be. I’m recognizing my struggles with emotional eating and the cycle of “feeling my feelings” – something I haven’t quite fully mastered, yet. I’m making healthy choices and putting myself first – doing things that help me reach my goals and live in a healthy way.

I think the Whole30 plan is helping me get to where I want to be. Is it the be-all end-all answer-to-all-my-problems? Absolutely not. But right now, the Whole30 is a plan that’s helping me go in the right direction. It’s pushing me outside of my comfort zone and letting me understand the way my body is meant to function – without processed foods or sugar.

And for me, I can confidently say, this is exactly where I’m meant to be right now.

Whole30 – Week 1 Recap

Twelve In Twelve

Jay and I have been following the Whole30 plan for a week. Initially, we struggled with the grocery store. But after I spent time prepping food and planning meals, it eventually got easier. We made it through the first week! Here’s the recap:

Day 1 – Feeling energized, excited about following the Whole30 plan. After the first few hours, the reality of changing my food habits and behaviors set in: major headaches. Major fatigue and “flu”-like symptoms. Overall unhappiness about how sick I felt and how far I had digressed. It’s so easy to get into a negative mind-space, thinking, “wow, I really let myself eat so much crap that I feel THIS AWFUL changing my habits.” Trying to stay positive and looking forward to feeling better.

Day 2 – Increased headache and fatigue. I think they call it “Carb-Flu”. Trying to drink tea and enjoy the foods I’m eating.

Day 3 – Hadn’t gone to the bathroom in 2 days. (if you read this blog and know me in real-life, please don’t look me in the eye after hearing about my bathroom-issue!) Ate a peach. It was the sweetest, juiciest peach I’ve ever had in my LIFE. Really noticing the effects of sugar and processed foods.

Day 4 – Finally feeling better (and went to the bathroom). Went to a hot-yoga class. Thought I was going to DIE. I’ve never sweat so much in my life. I’d like to think I was sweating out all of that sugar and processed food crap still left in my body.

Day 5 – Made it to Friday. My usual “treat myself” habits were raging – the urge to have Caribou coffee and a “treat” lunch were in full force. Instead, ate the planned food and looked forward to having an awesome friend spend the night. Went to Good Earth for dinner and was IN LOVE with my meal – Edamame, a corn-chowder, and a spinach, grapefruit, avocado citrus salad. Amazing. So delicious.

Day 6 and 7 – THE WEEKENDS ARE HARD. Trying to stay on track with healthy eating and regular meals. Reminded of how many times I would “grab something quick” because I was “on the go” – caribou coffee and muffin, a quick granola bar or snack. Trying to listen to my hunger cues and not eat just “because”. Went to the Mall of America – hardly any Whole30 foods available. Reminded how many times I’ve made a “grabbing lunch” or “having dinner” a focus of making plans – trying to shift my mind-set to NOT have all my plans revolve around food.

And here are some of the lessons I’ve learned in the past week….

1. There is such thing as the “carb-flu”. It feels like the flu. Miserable. But it DOES eventually get better.

2. I LOVE HOT SAUCE. And I never realized it before. The only thing I can think of, is that I had been eating SO MANY processed foods, that I wasn’t used to tasting “real food”. I actually went to a specific hot-sauce store at the Mall of America… it was amazing! Row after row of hot sauce, salsa, wing sauce, BBQ sauce, and all things hot. My taste buds were in heaven!

3. I LOVE COSTCO. That’s right – I am an official card-carrying Costco member. And as much as I would love to buy all Farmers’ Market Organic food… my budget simply won’t allow it. Last week, we made 4 separate trips to the grocery store for more food. And so this week, we took the plunge and joined Costco and I couldn’t be more happy with the items from Costco – the meat, veggies and fruit has been fresh and delicious. (thank you to everyone who recommended Costco via Twitter and Facebook!) Plus – bulk shopping is COOL.

4. Working out is hard. Much harder than I anticipated. My body is feeling the effects of no sugar/no processed, and It’s really difficult to get moving. The hot yoga class on Thursday was a good reminder that ANY activity is GOOD activity, and I’ve set some goals for this upcoming week to improve my activity levels and get movin’ again.

5. My body is confused. Between not going to the bathroom for a few days to my menstrual cycle coming 1 week early, it’s feeling the effects of being “shocked” by all natural foods.

6. That being said…. I cheated. I cheated the plan. One of the recommendations is that you don’t get on the scale.

But I couldn’t help it.

I was dying to know my progress……

AND IN 1 WEEK, I’VE LOST 10 POUNDS!!!!

The book says the average is 6-15 lbs in a month, and I am SO surprised that my body has responded as well as it has! I know there will be some flux, water weight, adjustment to less calories and more natural foods. But holy-guacamole!! 10 POUNDS!!!

7. Overall, I’m looking forward to continuing the Whole 30 challenge. It’s tough, and it pushes me outside my comfort zone, but I am learning so much about my body and the way I view food, the way I eat food, and what “healthy” feels like.

Win. Win. Win.

I couldn’t be more pleased.

(As a reminder, I am not a medical professional and cannot recommend or advise for any changes to your diet or exercise plan!)

I’ll be back with some additional information about the Whole 30 plan, as well as some exciting home renovations and a final Gard-Ann recap. Have a wonderful week!

On Running…

Uncategorized

First and foremost, thank you for your input on my poll last week. Here are the results….

I was curious about who was wearing what shoe after switching to the Mizuno lightweight trainer. I’m happy to report, I’ve logged a few miles and enjoy the way they feel on my feet! So far, so good!

In addition to the lightweight trainers, I’ve been fortunate enough to participate in Mizuno’s Mezamashii Project:

The Mezamashii Run Project is an effort by Mizuno to help create a more euphoric running experience — a more “brilliant” run — for more runners everywhere. The word “mezamashii” means “eye-opening” or “brilliant” in Japanese — it’s a word that captures the euphoric feeling of a brilliant run.

The Mezamashii community will continue to receive brilliant run inspiration from Mizuno in the form of early access to product launches and other exclusive Mizuno events. Over the course of the remainder of the year, Mizuno will give away thousands of shoes to runners who are looking to experience more euphoric, brilliant, mezamashii running.

(From the Mizuno Running News site)

I picked out Wave Rider 15′s and received them in the mail just a few days ago and I love, love, LOVE them!

A quick spin on the treadmill.

Now…. how do these new shoes align with my running goals?

Honestly?

I’m not planning on running any big races anytime soon. After dropping from the Twin Cities Marathon, I took a long, hard look at running races and my strengths and weaknesses. And without going into too many details, the weaknesses outweighed the strengths by about 10-to-1. I don’t enjoy running races, I’m self-conscious about my size and being in public to train, I feel like I’m not fast enough, and I honestly don’t have fun while I do it. I get anxious, stressed and worried about races (despite my positive attitude) … and right now, it’s not the right thing for me.

Working through the Whole30 challenge has allowed me the flexibility and freedom to discover what I really love – eating whole foods; Being in tune with my hunger cues and listening to my body. It also relates to exercise… If I am miserable and I absolutely hate doing it, then I am not likely to continue. The challenge (and the success) has come in finding things I enjoy doing – running (for fun!), biking, yoga, classes at the gym, and walks with friends.

The purpose of the Mezamashii Run Project is to create a more “brilliant” and “euphoric” run – and for me, that means running to enjoy it – without the pressure of a looming race; without the constant comparisons of pace and time and distance; without the stress of how I look or how other people might see me. I’m using this as an opportunity to focus on ME – my running, my experience, and my successes.

I know I eventually want to run more races – I want to be a really great running. But for me, for right now, it’s about enjoying what I’m doing – being happy, healthy and active in a way that brings me joy.This entry was posted on September 25th, 2012 at 8:12 am and is filed under Twelve In Twelve. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Live The Life You Deserve