On yesterday’s post, I got a question about why I’m not going back to Whole 30. I responded, saying I thought it was a great program and the science behind the book is wonderful, but the restriction (all or nothing) doesn’t necessarily work for me. The past few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking… Thinking about how I lost weight in the past. I’ve looked at pictures in the archives to see how I looked, and I remembered how I felt. I thought about my happiest times, my most successful times, and I’ve been trying (not always successfully!) to use those memories as a positive, not a negative about how far I’ve fallen, how quickly I’ve gained weight/lost cardio endurance/grown out of my clothes.

Emotional eating is a big problem for me. Using food as a “knee-jerk” reaction to a situation, to soothe, to control, to comfort and eliminate any feeling I don’t want to feel. A dear friend and I had coffee this weekend, and she provided a lot of insight regarding emotional eating and the aspects of our relationships with food. Emotional eating is the same reaction as drinking, smoking, compulsively exercising or any other “vice” or “coping mechanism” we might use during difficult times: the only difference is that people can see it. Literally – your bulging pants, your stretched skirt, the extra rolls around your neck, your puffy face.

I don’t think I’m ever going to eliminate emotional eating. But I do think I can manage it. I think I can look at emotional eating as a coping mechanism – when absolutely necessary – not daily. It absolutely cannot be a part of my daily life. For example, any minimal to moderately stressful event (i.e. a nasty email, an unhappy employee, traffic) cannot send me straight to the fro-yo place. But a really significant event (changing jobs, moving, 11/10 stress) can probably warrant a piece of chocolate cake. And that’s ok.

Resources

Here’s a blog I found: Emotional Eating Isn’t ALWAYS bad; the blog quoted this CNN article.

This blog calls it “Reactive Eating” instead of “Emotional Eating”. and says the following:
What we are struggling with is “reactive eating”.  And as the definition of reactive states, it is a result of stress or emotional upset especially from factors outside the organism.  Meaning, most of your reactive eating is going to be from a person, place or thing that triggers a stress and emotional response.

Finally, this Web MD article on feeding your feelings speaks exactly to what I want (and need):
For some, leaving comfort foods behind when they’re dieting can be emotionally difficult. Wansink, PhD tells WebMD, “The key is moderation, not elimination.” …. Remember that emotional eating is something that most people do when they’re bored, happy, or sad. It might be a bag of chips or a steak, but whatever the food choice, learning how to control it and using moderation are key.

Going Forward

I can’t hold myself to a perfect standard. I know that I have a long, long life ahead of me – which doesn’t contain “perfect” choices. But I can be honest – honest with you and honest with myself. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I haven’t been doing my best. I haven’t been trying my best. Maybe I’ve been trying to “eliminate” instead of “manage”. Maybe my mind needs to shift and I need to think of eating and living in an entirely different way.

If I were outside, looking in – at myself and my choices I would say:
You can do better. You deserve to do better. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You know how to manage the small stuff – and you will be able to tackle the big stuff, too. At the end of the day, please please PLEASE ask yourself:  ”have you done your absolute best today?”

Every. Single. Day.

Control.

Comfort.

I want control, and I want comfort.

I eat, and eat, and eat. Until I’m so full I feel ill.

That full, full, FULL feeling provides comfort. It provides control.

And finally, I control my emotions.

I eliminate the stress. I eliminate the anxiety. I take away all the sadness, worry and fear. I’ve successfully used food to change my mood.

And for a few minutes, I am full. I am happy. I am comforted.

I feel like I can finally breathe.

Then, the guilt sets in. The reality sets in. The negativity is overwhelming…

Why did I eat that?

I am so embarrassed.

I am so ashamed.

I will never lose weight this way.

Everyone is right – rooting for me to fail. I can’t succeed. I’ve fallen too far.

Fallen.

Fallen.

Down.

Filling up, up, up, up with food.

—————————————————————–

This is why the 30-day food challenge is so important to me – to see the patterns of eating, to see how it makes me feel and the ways I use food in an unhealthy way. Being aware – even “hyper-aware” – of what I’m doing and why is the first step in moving forward.

I am so sick of being overweight. I’m so sick of being unhappy about the way I look and the way I feel. I’m sick of punishing myself, of the negative self-talk, of the sadness.

Mondays are tough. This Monday was particularly tough. And I knew – around noon – what I wanted: Target blueberry bread with butter. I thought about it ALL DAY. I even came up with “reasons” why I needed to go to Target. But before I bought the bread, I tried on clothes at Target: a method of punishment….

See how fat you are?

See how disgusting you look?

You are here to buy bread – bread you don’t NEED. You know what you are doing. You have NO CONTROL.

You deserve to be fat.

You deserve to be miserable.

I thought about how I could include bread in my 30-days of food picture-challenge. I made eggs, and had a banana with bread for dinner, and 2 pieces of toast.

BUT IT DOESN’T INCLUDE THE 4 PIECES I ATE ON THE WAY HOME…

Only the 4 pieces I ate AFTER dinner.

Filling up.

Filling up.

So full.

So comforted.

So much guilt.

PUBLISH.

Hi! Welcome! I’m trying some new formatting on the blog – please excuse the mess if you can’t find what you are looking for. I’m hoping to add my 30-day food posts to a separate page, and to make the archives easier to search.

If you can’t find what you are looking for, or want to reach out to me directly, please use ann@twelve-in-twelve.com.

Have a fabulous Monday, and check back later this week for a fully-customized blog format!

Food is more than “food” to me.

It’s a way of dealing with emotions. It’s a way to stop, take a breath, and let the feelings of anxiety, stress and worry pass. It’s a comfort at the end of a long day, it’s the icing on the cake (literally!) of a celebration, and it’s way more than just fuel and nutrition.

I’ve posted about why I got fat, and I think that since the life-changing event almost 10 years ago, food has always been the “easy” way. The easy way to deal with my feelings, the easy way to manage stress and anxiety. It’s easier to eat than to feel. And it’s easier to feel guilt about poor food choices, than to feel ____ emotion (e.g. stress, anxiety, worry, anger).

In previous weight-loss efforts, I’ve taken an all-or-nothing approach. Most recently, I eliminated all processed foods for 30-days. Coincidentally, I hadn’t been “feeling like myself” and ended up seeking professional medical help shortly thereafter.

Could my recent struggles with stress and anxiety be related to not using food as a way to manage my emotions?

Was cold-turkey really the right way to cut all process foods and delve into managing my feelings and emotions in a completely different (and, frankly, ineffective – for me) way? I don’t know.

—————————————————-

It seems like SO LONG ago, I was SO CLOSE to my goal weight. I had lost over 50 pounds and was finally getting into “regular sized” clothes. This beautiful pink floral dress? No way in hell it would even come close to fitting.

How did I lose the weight before?

Balance. Counting calories (including my CaloriePoint test). Finding things I love doing (i.e. riding my new bike).

How can I get back to losing weight again?

Balance. Counting calories. Finding things I love doing.

—————————————————-

What’s the problem? Why do I give food so much power? Why am I so VASTLY unsuccessful?

The more poor choices I make, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I turn to food and the more poor choices I make. The more poor choices I make, the worse I continue to feel.

IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE.

—————————————————-

Strength.

I need more strength.

Courage.

I need the courage to step away from this cycle.

Balance.

I need to find the right combination for me – I can now, without a doubt, say that everyone’s journey is different. Everyone’s “magic” combination of eating + activity is different. What works for some, may not work for others.

How can I get back to finding the motivation?

It’s gone.

Every single day is a day I travel further and further away from my goal. Every single day, I question why I have this blog and why I thought I could be successful at healthy living. Every day, the negative self-talk drowns out that positive, encouraging voice. That voice that once shouted, “I CAN DO ANYTHING!”

Every day, I think…. “today is the day when food is not anything more than just food. Today is the day I take control and manage my life.”

Today goes. Tomorrow goes. Days and weeks and months go. And suddenly, I find myself back where I started.

I’m back at the beginning.

Hey, all.

Can you believe that in less than 2 weeks, we’ll be into March?

Time is flying. Seriously.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve heard….
“oh, I miss your blog!”
“You should go back and blog again!” and
“Why haven’t you blogged lately?”

Honestly?

I’ve gained weight.

A lot of weight.

And I’m not ready to face the reality and the truth of being ashamed, embarrassed and mortified about my weight gain. After my struggle with mental health, I am feeling much better. But the months of using food as a coping mechanism have caught up with me; with the scale; with my body.

My knees ache. My ankles are swollen. My back and neck have constant pain and I am lugging around a LOT MORE weight than before. I become winded really quickly. My clothes don’t fit. I feel disgusting and unhappy. I’m in a vicious cycle, ya’ll.

I’m thankful for my family and friends’ constant encouragement. I’m thankful to have resources available (healthy food, easy access to workout equipment) and a wonderful, supportive husband.

I am missing my motivation – my drive, my desire, my deep burning for success. It’s completely gone. I’ve become complacent in my negative attitude, my poor body image and my weight-gain. I’m angry, I’m sad and I’m frustrated – but not enough to actually make a change.

I’m in a really bad place, weight-wise. I’m close to my highest weight ever.

And I don’t know how to fix it.

Or maybe, I’m just not ready.

Missing: one set of motivation
If Found: please return to Ann of twelve-in-twelve.

1. Birthdays!
I turned 28 last week. I was happy to say goodbye to 27. Although my 27th year held a lot of wonderful changes (new job, 2nd half-marathon and Whole30), it also held a lot of frustrations (asking for help, struggling with healthy living and gaining weight). I ended my 27th year with wonderful celebrations – both my family and friends went above and beyond to create one of the most special birthday weekends. I feel so incredibly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life! Here are some snaps from my birthday weekend:

Birthday Outfit – Dinner/Drinks with Friends

Me and Angie – at Chatterbox!

Birthday Dessert made by Nancy – Lemon fruity fluff pie and funfetti angelfood cake with berries. Delicious!

Gifts.

Cards.

My family & friends know me well – coffee gift cards!

A Minnesota-handmade charm from Jay, to go along w/ the garnet & “a” charm from Ash – I LOVE!

2. Healthy Living
Last week, I posted about The Plan. And honestly? It’s going OK. Not great. But OK. I am focusing on one day at a time, one choice at a time, and acknowledging my feelings as they come up – stress, anxiety, worry and anger. Rather than turning to food, I am working on expressing my feelings, feeling them, and moving forward. It’s still a work in progress.

 3. Tennis
Along with a focus on being healthy and feeling my feelings, I have started playing tennis! I joined a women’s league and play once a week on a team with 7 other ladies. Jay joined a men’s league last fall and also plays in a league match once a week! In addition, I’ve also started going to classes offered at the tennis center that I joined last week: cardio tennis and stroke-clinic. And the best part? Tennis doesn’t feel like WORK. It feels like FUN. I am absolutely loving tennis and my new tennis membership! My sister goes to the same club and we’ve been going to classes together! It’s an absolute blast and I am so happy to be doing something I enjoy so much!

Tennis – Stroke Clinic

4. Spin Bike
Jay and I got a spin bike.
I know.
I KNOW.
I love it. And because we have both the treadmill and spin bike, we can work out together.  We suspended our gym membership and have been logging workouts at home. It’s much more convenient as I’m working on managing my work-life balance – finding time to workout and make healthy choices.

New spin bike – assembled by Jay!

5. Hair Color
And finally, on a lighter note…. I changed my hair! I went from blonde to brunette and I absolutely love the change. It’s a lovely color for winter and I’m excited to let my hair grow out this winter. Happy, happy.

Dark hair, fresh bangs. LOVE!

I’m just keepin’ on – day by day. This weekend, the temps in Minnesota have dropped to below zero. Jay and I are staying warm, drinking coffee, and getting work done. We’ll also be meeting up with Julia and her brother for dinner tonight, and have a busy week ahead!

What’s been happening with you? Any new updates?

Usually, after I write a blog post, I talk to Jay and give him an opportunity to read it, provide feedback, and discuss my feelings and thoughts. I value his insight and the conversations we have as a result of my blog posts. After yesterday’s post on returning, Jay and I had a really great conversation about our plans: what our goals are and what steps we are going to take to get there.

See, we both have experience and knowledge. We have been through significant weight loss (100 pounds lost between us) and we’ve gained insight. We’ve done the calorie testing, the calorie counting and journaling. I’ve done Team Weight Loss and personal training. I’ve gone to meet-ups, attended classes and networked with other bloggers. I’ve trained for races, set goals, and seen big milestone accomplishments. I’ve even given a presentation about healthy living. More recently, we did Whole 30 together and opened my eyes to processed foods and eating naturally.

During our conversation, I discovered that I need a litmus test, if you will. A question I can ask myself to know whether or not I am making the best choice. In the beginning of our weight loss journey, the question was, “how many calories are in that?” Most recently, the question was, “is that Whole 30 approved?”

With the experience and knowledge we’ve gained, thus far, Jay and I decided we need another litmus test – another driver of healthy choices.

This time, we aren’t necessarily going to follow either plan we did before. The calorie-counting was TOO focused on low-fat, processed foods. The Whole 30 was TOO difficult to maintain for our lifestyles (no dairy? ever?) – and so we’ve come up with a new plan. A new formula. A new key driver to success in weight loss….

Is this healthy?

The definition of “healthy” for Jay and I includes a few different aspects and factors….
-is this mostly natural and unprocessed?
-are these calories reasonable for the food I’m eating?
-how will this food make my body feel?
-will this help me reach my goal?

With every decision we make, every food we eat, every activity we do, the question we ask ourselves is…. “Is this healthy?”

Typing out those words, it seems like “is this healthy?” is an OBVIOUS question. But this time, we aren’t following a prescribed diet plan – no obsessive calorie counting, no restrictions on ONLY certain foods, and no meetings, weigh-ins or special foods. Just good, honest, HEALTHY CHOICES with the 4 sub-questions to determine what “healthy” means to us, right now.

It seems like a novel concept, doesn’t it?

Prepare for the 2nd goal:

Daily activity.

I know, I know. You are amazed at the complexity of our goals…. Just kidding. But really, daily activity. Things I enjoy doing. If I am sitting down in front of the tv, I sure has heck better have logged some daily activity! If I’m Facebooking, blogging or twittering, I sure has heck better have logged some daily activity!

I see myself in the future. I see the person I want to be and what it’s going to take to get there. And its really, honestly, very overwhelming to think about how far it’s going to take to get there. But I know that each day, each choice, I am only responsible for asking myself one question: “is this healthy?”

It’s fun to look to the future and see the person I want to be. It’s fun to plan ahead. But in the next few months (years?) – I need to do the work. A responsible for making healthy choices and doing my best. I can’t promise perfection, but I can promise honestly, truthfulness, and absolute and complete effort.

Here’s to a successful today and a bright tomorrow!

I’m returning to blogging. You saw my Reality post <— the one in which I admitted to gaining back nearly all of the weight I’ve lost in the past 2 years; the one in which I talked to how difficult it was to return to the blog and face my weight gain and my struggles head-on. My hope for this blog is that I can look back and see my successes and my struggles. That I can learn from what I’ve done and what I want to do; that it serves as a record of where I’ve been and where I’m going.

If I can be completely honest and truthful, gaining weight back is really hard. It’s embarrassing, it’s humiliating and it’s depressing. It’s mortifying to have a blog where you celebrate your accomplishments and weight-loss milestones, and then return and say “well – nevermind. I gained it all back.” As I was cleaning out the basement and organizing workout gear, I came across some dumbbells. I picked up a 20-pound weight. And another 20-pound weight. And I thought about that extra weight on my body – dragging me down. Crushing my chest. Slouching my shoulders and straining my back.  Making me look bad, and making me feel even worse. Making everything more difficult – running, walking, getting up and sitting down. Being active is nearly impossible. I held 40 pounds in my hands and couldn’t stop the negative thoughts and feelings. Thinking about the actualized weight gain made me sad. But it also made me angry. It lit a fire deep in my heart to lose the weight – yet again.

I’m working on returning. Returning to my routine: working out, meal-planning, and making healthy food. Now that the holidays are over, it’s time to return to my regular work schedule, and manage my work-life balance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to “return”. To go back to place you’ve been. To use the tools in your “toolbelt” – for me, that includes meal planning, healthy cooking, and activity. It also includes sleep, rest, and self-care. It includes blogging (hello there!) and putting myself first. It includes talking about my feelings, my emotions and my plans. This past week, I’ve been “returning”…..

Return to meal-planning.

Return to meal prep: healthy salads.

Return to running (Jay)

Return to the treadmill.

It’s really hard to block the negative thoughts during and after a workout. With every step I took, I noticed the extra weight. With every minute I ran, I beat myself up…
“how can you let yourself gain back all this weight?”
“you are getting exactly what you deserve.”
“remember how this feels. remember how miserable you are.”

Every muscle in my body started screaming as soon as I started. My breath quickened, my heart-rate jumped and I was exhausted within a few minutes of beginning. I know it’s supposed to be hard. I KNOW IT. But it doesn’t help the negativity and frustration when I return to working out again.

I AM SO MISERABLE AND SO ANGRY THAT I’VE GAINED THIS WEIGHT BACK.

I am so frustrated that I worked so incredibly hard to lose the weight, and so carelessly gained it back.

But now? I’m returning. I’m focusing on one day at a time – one choice at a time. It’s time to return. To get back into my healthy habits and to let go of this negativity and frustration. To use it as a reminder to never, never, NEVER let this happen again. I never want to return to this place of unhappiness again.

Since laughter is the best medicine, I need to share this. It made me LOL and remember to not take myself so seriously.

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