Okay, I’ve had a really tough day. A lot of things went horribly wrong with work throughout the week, in a cumulation of not caring, and caring SO MUCH that I completely shut down today. I knew the right choices to make for food, and I totally went against everything I have been practicing for the last few weeks. There was a going away party for 2 of the girls at work, and everyone brought food for a pot-luck. I knew all the right things to do, but for some reason, my mind thought otherwise. I went over my daily caloric intake by about 300 calories. Nothing to cry over….
Well, actually I did cry. A lot. I got home and Jay was being as gentle and as accountable as always, asking me what I ate, and why. Little did he know it would open the floodgates of emotions. It’s not so much the damage that I did to myself, calorically. I feel like I had un-done the past 5 weeks of work by deciding to eat and eat… and continue to eat. I was searching for the food to give me the feeling of happiness, contentment, relaxation…. And it never came. And so, I just continued to eat.
I thought about making myself throw up after work because I was so full. I literally ate myself sick. But I didn’t. I talked it out, cried it out, put my big girl panties on, and went through the rest of my day. Jay thinks I had this big “breakthrough” tonight with discovering why I feel the way I do, why I am so compelled to follow the directives of how I think the food will make me feel… And how I’m in constant battle with my own feelings and desires. I think the proof is in the action I take in the next days, weeks, and months.
We are still doing the 5k tomorrow, even though our friends have decided not to. In all honesty, I was really upset about it. I finally came to the conclusion that their priorities for health, wellness, and happiness are completely different than mine. My goals are, unfortunately, not their goals. I can’t FORCE anyone to care about eating healthy and being active. The only person I am doing this for… is ME. This is about me. Working through my issues, dealing with my faults, setting my own goals, and creating the person I want to be.
Tomorrow is a brand new day, and an opportunity to continuing practicing making the choices that lead me down the path I want. Whether I have 100 blog followers, 12 friends in real-life, 5 co-workers, or just 1 husband, I am on MY path. This is about me.