March 6th, 2010 | Ann
I’m not as far in my weight-loss journey as I had hoped. Something happened lastnight, and I am embarrassed, mortified, overall humiliated about it. But, it’s part of my weight-loss journey and it’s important to talk about my struggles, as well as my successes. If you’re here to pass judgement or make fun, go ahead and leave. At this point, I just need support and understanding. Here’s what happened….
As ya’ll know, I made a huge life change this week. Probably one of the biggest, aside from moving cross the country. I changed jobs, and I never stopped “moving”. I packed up the boxes with all my equipment, and afterwards, went to Fed-Ex, then T.E.A.M. Weight Loss (TWL). The next day – work, and then TWL; Yesterday, it was work, then yoga. I haven’t let myself stop and process what was happening. Even lastnight, I wanted to clean the house, do the laundry, do the dishes, and keep myself “distracted”.
Lastnight, I went out to buy some Strongbow (do you know what that is? It’s an alcoholic-cider drink, like beer but better!) and I was thinking about how cashews would go well with the sweet drink. Then I wanted cookies. Lots of big soft-baked cookies. Before I knew it, I was in Walgreens, buying Diet Coke (which is a huge trigger for me, and I’ve given it up and only had maybe 1/week since November), a big tub of Cashews and a bag of Soft-Baked Cookies. I drove around, eating. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me – it’s like I was in a TRANCE, and I couldn’t control my actions. All that mattered was getting that food in my body! It was a totally scary thing. The worst part, is that I had gone to Yoga a few hours ago. I had “let go” of my stress and thought I was relaxed and “at peace”.
I didn’t eat all the food, and I drove myself home. Jay was doing the dishes, and I came, and just cried. I sat on the couch and cried and cried… and cried some more. Bless his heart for listening to me and being supportive. I guess I just had to “cry” it out. Because for my entire life, I’ve been eating (using) food to deal with emotions. I don’t want to feel sad about leaving my old job, I don’t want to feel upset about saying good-bye to my best friends and my family. I LOVE those people!! They know me more than anybody (aside from Jay and my family), they have seen me through all the highs and all the lows of the last 3 years. And it breaks my heart to say “goodbye” to my co-workers/friends.
A lot of people don’t know this, but I had a boyfriend who died. It was back during sophomore year of college, and he was in the Marines, he died in Iraq. I cried for DAYS, WEEKS, even. I failed Accounting. And I ate tub, after tub of ice cream. Not Benn & Jerry’s small tub – I mean BIG tub. And that’s where the “eating to not feel feelings” developed into a coping-mechanism. When I’m feeling ANYTHING, and I eat, and the feelings fade away. The texture of the food in my mouth distracts me; the feeling of “full” in my tummy reminds me of happy times (birthdays, holidays, celebrations), and the spike in my blood-sugar gives me instant “satisfied”, “happy”, and “calm” feelings. I can’t even describe how “using” food helps eliminate any feelings I have and helps take me to a place of contentment and peace.
To recap, I took a big step in understanding my emotional eating, and what it’ll take for me to LET myself feel the feelings, naturally, instead of turning to food to “dull” the emotions. My calorie set-back was only about 600 calories. And I slept for 11 hours lastnight. I’m still not “okay” this morning, but I’m better. I’m scared to move forward and face my emotions. I’m worried about being a big cry-baby. But if I don’t re-train myself how to face my emotions instead of using food to numb them, I’m going to end up 500 pounds and unable to live my life.