Hi all -
Just popping over to say “hi” and give a quick update on life. Things have been SO BUSY with work and life. I’ve been traveling a lot for work, and have taken on some big projects.

2 weeks ago, Jay and I watched his nephew’s girlfriend compete in the National Collegiate Water Polo Tournament at the U of M. I had never seen water polo before – it was SO INTENSE!

Last weekend, we celebrated mothers’ day. On Saturday, we drove down to visit my Grandma in southern Minnesota. On Sunday, we played tennis with my mom and had family brunch at my favorite local spot. Here are a few snaps from our trip down south:

Finally, Jay and I got a new car! Our lease was up in our Mazda 6, and we got a bigger, sportier new crossover – the Mazda CX5. I am IN LOVE with it. SO IN LOVE. The features are amazing, it drives just like a sports car (zoom zoom!) and it’s absolutely lovely – black on black.

I don’t have an upcoming races on the calendar, but my summer tennis season stars today! Additionally, Jay and I are co-captaining a mixed doubles team that will play every Friday night. Both of my teams have chosen outdoor “home” courts – some of our matches will be outside – and I am SO EXCITED to be playing in the warm, sunshine weather.

Eating is still going OK – I’m not actively losing weight, but I have been continuing to make healthy choices and, most importantly – listen to my body! I’m feeling really good about where I’m at, and looking forward to a wonderful, healthy summer.

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About two weeks ago, Jay, my mom, and I laced up our running shoes and ran the Get In Gear 5k. If you don’t know, the Get In Gear is a large race every April in Minnesota, and this was my 4th straight year running it!

2010: Get In Gear 5k

2011: Get In Gear 10k

2012: Get In Gear Half-Marathon (13.1)

2013: Get In Gear 5k

Thankfully, it was a beautiful, sunny day. Jay, my mom and I got to the Minnehaha Falls park just before the 10k and half-marathon gun went off.

We waited in line for the bathrooms and made our way to the start with about 5 minutes to spare. The 5k walkers and runners lined up – and I was surprised at what a big race it was. There were TONS of people!

The course itself is beautiful. The 5k is an out-and-back along the West river parkway; the 10k is a loop of both West and East river parkway. The 5k, 10k and half-marathon runners all finish together.

The race was good – hot, but good. We maintained a decent pace – and really enjoyed the weather. It was so, so, SO wonderful to spend the morning with Jay and my mom on the course!

After we finished, we met up with my sister and her fiance – he ran the 10k – and his parents. Charlie and Max, their golden retrievers were there, too. I had a quick minute to say hello to Amy, and we also watched for Julia and Lindsay to finish the half.

After the race, we headed home – and Julia and Lindsay stopped over before heading out of town. We chatted for a bit and talked about the race. I spent the rest of the weekend running errands, spending time with Jay and Biscuit, and enjoying the spring that has FINALLY arrived in Minnesota!

Overall, the race was really good. I’m really happy to have continued the streak of the Get In Gear races, and hope to do the 10k next year.

I know it’s race season in a lot of places… it sounds like a LOT of you have been running races lately! Any good updates?

Yesterday’s blog post has an entirely different meaning, after hearing about the Boston Marathon tragedies.

My heart broke - I could feel it in my chest – thinking about the race officials, volunteers, runners, family, friends and spectators who were affected by the events at the race.

It’s affecting everyone. Everywhere.

I’m so sad. Just, sick with sadness and worry.

More-so, I think about how much time and effort that goes into training for a marathon – let alone – the Boston Marathon. How a day that should have been the greatest day in most peoples’ running careers, has turned into the worst day ever imagined.

The things that made me cry the most, were seeing the runners approaching the finish line – throwing up their arms in celebration of completing the Boston Marathon – only to turn around and see the explosion. Those images, they make me cry the hardest. I cannot imagine. I am absolutely sick thinking about it.

Things I’m telling myself: If you can, run. If you can, walk. If you can do something, DO SOMETHING. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to talk about. It’s ok to be angry.

I leave you with a few links and photos:

Kat’s blog. Read it, NOW

The New Yorker’s editorial. Moved me to tears.

A photo of Ben Revere (a former Minnesota Twin / current Philadelphia Philly)’s glove.

Me, running on the treadmill after work.

Me, wearing blue and yellow today.

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I had a dream last night, that I was running. I wasn’t running a race, I was just running around the block. It wasn’t the block around my house… but it seemed familiar. I ran FAST. In fact, so fast it was like I was FLYING. I had my ipod on, and some great, catchy song was playing – I don’t remember what song. I passed people walking, people pushing strollers, and the sun was shining. I remember I didn’t feel tired. I felt ALIVE. I felt FREE. And I was smiling – grinning – from ear to ear.

I woke up wishing I could feel that feeling again. I woke up, wishing I could run fast and be happy with my body.

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The Get In Gear race is in a few weeks. I am signed up, but will likely not run. I won’t run because my flight home from a work-trip doesn’t land until 9pm the night before. I won’t run because I haven’t trained. I haven’t trained because I am too big. I’m too big because my eating isn’t under control.

EXCUSES.

It’s absolutely amazing to me that I can hardly run a few minutes without stopping to walk. When last year, I ran the Get In Gear half-marathon. 2 years ago, I ran the Red White & Boom half-marathon and the Ragnar Relay.

Ya’ll.

I am so embarrassed.

And I tell myself, “I don’t like to run. I hate to run. It’s not my THING. I’d rather walk, and go to the dog park, and play tennis.”

But then I have dreams – dreams like I had last night – and I realize that I DO want to run. I want to fly. I want to be free.

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The Boston Marathon was today.

You know, I was supposed to run a marathon last year.

And I didn’t.

And it sucked.

I feel like a big, fat, failure. Not because I can’t run ____ mph for ____ miles, but because I want something but I haven’t put in the work to GET IT.

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy.

I want the feeling of running, of flying. I want that big, amazing smile.

You know the one.

Where you’ve done something incredible, you are proud, happy, and accomplished.

I can’t remember a recent time I’ve felt that. Except, in my dreams.

I’m here, ya’ll. I’m hangin’ in there.

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I just wrote a big post about all the things I’m crabby about. And then I thought about my friends and family – people who are dealing with much, MUCH worse things that me. I deleted my crabby post and decided to start over: Instead of spending my energy complaining about my life, I’m going to spend my energy being thankful, being hopeful, and being happy. Because even though life is hard, I am extremely blessed.

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Have a thankful Thursday.

1. I’m still trying to post my final food entries for the 30-day challenge. After that, I’ll do a recap with what I learned. I’m still rolling over the recap.

2. I’m reading through Brain over Binge and planning another blog post about the book and what I’ve learned.

3. Work has been B-AN-AN-AS. I’m hosting a big training with associates from all over the country next week, and then traveling the 2 weeks after that (hello, Virginia and Tennessee!)

4. I’m feeling really at peace with everything. Which is to say a lot. Brain over Binge is helping, and a lot of you have reached out with websites, info, articles, ideas and support. I am feeling so blessed and so thankful.

5. The sun is shining again. The birds are chirping. And although the weather in Minnesota is slowly warming (like, it’s still 30′s and 40′s), it WILL be spring sooner than later. Biscuit even buried his 1st bone of the season last night:

6. I had a lovely Easter. Jay and I spent time with my family – we played tennis, and then had a nice meal out. It was really casual – and perfect for us.

7. Jay and I are also captaining a tennis team this summer. It will be… interesting. But hopefully good? I am really anxious about it – and I promise to keep you updated! I also signed up to play another league season with my women’s team. 2 nights of tennis each week this summer? HOO-RAY!

8. There’s not much that I love more than a clean house.

9. I’m still Apple-Fritter free. 6 days and counting.

10. I’ve got a 10k coming up in about 3 weeks. ACK! I’m going to do the best I can to prepare…. I’ll keep you posted.

Sorry for the random update – I’ll be back with some better blogs soon!!

What’s been going on with YOU lately? Link me back to your blog so I can catch up!

Hello!
I am dying to get this information down into a blog, to share with you what I’ve learned by reading the book, Brain Over Binge. The book was written by Kathryn Hansen, and chronicles her struggles, and eventually successes over bulimia.

At first glance, I didn’t think the book would have much relevance. Thankfully, I’ve never struggled with bulimia – eating huge amounts and countering my actions with extreme measures (purging, laxatives, compulsive exercising) – however, a lot of the information in the book is relevant to my eating habits and choices. Kathryn also discusses BED (Binge Eating Disorder) and nearly all of the information is applicable to me, my “dieting” and the choices I’ve made surrounding food.

PART 1
To open the book, Kathryn discusses her history with binge eating, and more important, therapy. She spent many, many years in therapy – seeing many different doctors – and every doctors’ approach was to address the “emotional reasons” why she binged. She thought about reasons why she ate – unhappiness, loneliness, anxiety, stress, depression, happiness.

BAM! Light bulb moment. I have those same reasons for eating! I have the same “I’m broken!” feeling and have been trying to address my “reasons for over-eating” for YEARS.

Kathryn then talks about a specific day she stopped into a bookstore on her way to a 7-hour workout to counteract a 8,000 calorie binge she had the day before. She picked up the book Rational Recovery (RR), which laid out the specifics for alcohol recovery. During her time at the gym, Kathryn read the book - inserting ”binge eating” for “alcoholism” – and had a life-changing discovery about her eating disorder.

She wasn’t broken. (Again – cue light bulbs over my head.)

Instead, she read about the “animal brain” and the “human brain”. Since the beginning of time (throughout evolution – or even creation), we have been hard-wired to be successful: to find food, shelter, water, comfort and to survive. These instincts are part of our “animal brain” – driving specific activities vital to our survival.

As part of our development from adolescence into adult-hood, we develop keener decision making skills, and the rational choices and problem-solving are part of our “human brain” – basically, what makes us, US. And that the human brain controls our choices, our actions, our physical movements, and who we are.

Kathryn talks about the strong pull or desire from her “animal brain” to eat – to binge-eat, to eat whatever she wants – and that, despite her dieting and restricting – it only makes her animal brain even MORE powerful in the desire to overeat. And the more she overeats, the more her animal brain demands that she continues to overeat.

WHAT? Is this my life? I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

Kathryn read in RR (Rational Recovery) about using your “human brain” to control the “animal brain” – to listen to what the animal brain is requesting – and then decide, with your “human brain” to NOT binge eat. You can control if you get up and go to the fridge; you can control if you drive to McDonalds (or Caribou) to pick up something. YOU ARE IN CONTROL. And once you acknowledge that the desire comes from your animal brain, you can counteract them with your own choices.

Pffffft – MIND BLOWN.

It gets better – Kathryn hasn’t binged in YEARS, and it’s her experience that the less you give into the “animal brain”s requests, the less and less it tries to convince you to binge-eat. That eventually, your animal brain stops making requests to overeat.

She talks about using imagery – standing outside of your “animal brain” – and looking inward, letting it make requests, and simply saying: NO. I’M NOT DOING THAT. No reasoning, no arguing, no rationalizing. No fighting back and forth, or looking inward to say, “what am I craving and WHYYYY”. Just simply, “no.”

No. No, Animal Brain, I’m not doing that.

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I’m still working through Parts 2 and 3 of the book – which talk a lot more about the science of the way the brain works. But for now, I have entirely changed my perspective on what I eat – and why.

I AM NOT BROKEN!!!!

I will also talk about how the ideas of Brain over Binge have affected previous weight-loss efforts (including Whole30) and what I’d like to do – going forward.

I don’t think that Brain Over Binge is the be-all, end-all weight-loss book. In fact, it’s a complete 180 from all of the other dieting/weight loss/overeating books I’ve read. I am, however, hopeful that learning new information will help me learn, grow, and continue creating the person I want to be.

Thanks for sticking by me – continuing to read this blog, as I work through some really important issues. I am so thankful for the feedback, support and comments. <3

More to come!

As I continue this 30-day Food Challenge, I’m noticing a trend. A really unhealthy trend. I am stopping for a Caribou Northern Lite Latte and an apple fritter most mornings.

It’s no surprise that I love this apple fritter. But why? The past few days, I’ve been trying to look inward and think about WHY. Why am I so obsessed with this sub-par pastry from a coffee chop – a chain one, at that?

The nutritional facts are staggering: 500 calories; 150 calories; 16 grams of fat; 660 mg of sodium; 86g of carbs; 24g of sugar. Deep down, I know it’s a really unhealthy choice. And yet, I continue to hit that Caribou drive-thru – most mornings.

I went searching for information. I came upon an article posted by MSN Fitbie called “Morning Gut Busters”. Surprisingly (or maybe not), my beloved apple fritter made the list:

“While the calorie count of this fried piece of dough is enough to make your eyes pop, it’s the sodium that’s really shocking. If you have one of these apple fritters for breakfast, you’re already at 44% of your recommended daily sodium intake before the day’s even half over.”

A post written by Breakfast Adventures, talking about Starbucks and Caribou breakfast treats even talks about the taste itself – both authors find the taste mediocre, at best. When I stop and think about what I’m eating – the dough, the sugar content, the sodium, and even how it tastes in my mouth… I agree. It’s not REALLY that good.

So why, why, why – WHY do I continue to eat this apple fritter?

I have 2 different theories:
A. I’m broken – emotional, sad, upset and suffering from low self-worth.
B. It’s a habit.

Theory A:
I typically stop for the infamous apple fritter on the way to work in the mornings. It’s after a long-ish (30-60 minute) commute to the other side of the city. I tell myself I “deserve” the apple fritter for driving to work. [I know. I KNOW.] I also get worked up about work and the day ahead. I know my task list is long, my to-do list is never ending, and the amount of emails, phone calls and projects I have – plus the daily “fires” that come up – are overwhelming and stressful.

(Sidebar: I actually really love my job. I think I get stressed out thinking that I’m not good enough – don’t look good enough, I don’t present myself in a professional enough way, I question my skills and abilities in this job – 90% of the time is because of the way I look/feel.)

My stop through Caribou is a really easy way to eliminate those feelings of anxiety, worry and stress. For a few minutes, as I sip my non-fat sugar-free latte and chow down on that pastry, I forget about how I feel. I stop doubting myself. I stop telling myself I’m not good enough. That negative tape running through my mind all day – you know the one – it stops, it gets silent. I am in CONTROL.

Theory B:
It’s a habit. It’s a bad, nasty habit that I’ve developed. My dear friend, Falon, has been working out every morning – and will continue to do so during her 21-day Kick Start. She is following the standard we’ve all heard: It takes 3 weeks to form a habit.

So what – WHAT IF – I didn’t go to Caribou for 3 weeks? Would my obsession with the apple fritter end?

The How Stuff Works website answers this question. And although the 21-days (3 weeks) benchmark is often questioned, the article about forming new habits suggests: form a new parallel pattern rather than indulging in the old pattern.

My goal: the entire month of April, I am not going to eat a single apple fritter. In fact, if I go to Caribou for a coffee or lite latte, I won’t get ANYTHING to eat. I’ll pack my breakfast, bring a mid-morning snack to work, and start to form a new (parallel) pattern.

Whether Theory A or Theory B is correct, I’m ready to make a change. Goodbye, my love. Goodbye, apple fritter. Maybe I’ll be seeing you May 1st. But maybe? Maybe not.

Hi – sorry I haven’t updated my food journal lately. Thank you – to those of you who reached out to ask about my food journal – it should be updated, to date, and you can see every days food on the “Food Journal” tab at the top of the page.

As a reminder, the purpose of the food journal goal is to document my food choices for 30 days – to see pictures of what I’ve eaten and to begin to understand what and, more importantly, WHY.

To be honest, I’ve been apprehensive to post pictures of my food after receiving some really negative, and frankly, mean comments. One in particular was awful, hateful, and made me really upset. And without getting into specifics, I can say that feedback, comments, suggestion and questions are welcome. Mean, rude, hateful and ugly comments are not.

Anyways – this challenge has been really hard for me, and I’m looking forward to finishing it. I’m reading a really good book on eating disorders right now, and I’m excited to talk about it and have a discussion about choices, behaviors, habits, emotions and positive changes.

Until then, thank you for your support and feedback! Have a wonderful week!

Hello!

Welcome, welcome, welcome. I spent the weekend working on the blog redesign (a huge thank-you to Jay for the help customizing it) – I am LOVING the new look/feel!

Here are some details…

Pages: Click on the page links across the top of the page to see additional information. Hover over the page links to see individual pages (i.e. Races – 2010 Races, 2011 Races, etc.). I am still in process of updating these pages.

Food Journal:  This link on the top of the page takes you to all the entries of my food journal. Rather than have food pictures all over the home page, see my food snaps in one place, on one page.

Search: On the right side of the page under my photo ————–>
click on the search bar to search by keyword or topic.

Tweets: Tweet me, follow me. If you aren’t already, add me on Twitter – I’ll follow back!

Archives: Going back over 3 years, see blog entries from 2010 – current.

As always, this blog is a place for me to talk about what I’m going through. I appreciate the feedback, comments, suggestions and support. You can always reach out to me (in the comments section or via email – ann@twelve-in-twelve.com). Thank you for continuing to read Twelve-In-Twelve, a journey of creating myself and this beautiful life!

Love, love, love.
- Ann